This lovely relationship we once had devolved to one of raw, dark emotions that neither of us really knew how to get a grip on.
And worst, we both relied on the other person to get it together!
And I felt too awkward setting boundaries for this recovering addict, afraid he’d feel infantilized or patronized every time I questioned him about his drug use or nagged him to stop.
I felt like I lost myself again, when just months before I was so certain about my identity.
I knew this betrayal of trust would be difficult for me to recover from, as I became vigilant at his capacity for dishonesty.
I also worried that he wouldn’t love me the same after he quit meth and that the only reason that he’d fallen in love with me so easily was because he was high!
When I first met my ex, who I’ll call Alex, it was love at first sight.Even my strong feelings for him couldn't hide the fact that his demons were bringing me down, too.Everyone has their own list of romantic "deal breakers" — those quirks, habits, and routines that you can't get past in order to have a successful relationship.I was completely infatuated with this talented individual from Seattle who made beautiful paintings and music.The art he made truly resonated with my soul, and he could say the same thing about my writing.But I had already invested so much in this relationship, moving states and all. It was ironic because I remembered feeling so happy that I had met him when I was in a “good place” in my life, but all of that seemed so distant now.We can all morph into the worst versions of ourselves when we become clenched in fear.Needless to say, it felt like a match made in heaven.So after our courtship, I was more than willing to move up to Seattle from Los Angeles and live with him.It was like a dark cloud had come over him and I wasn’t even there anymore. The love I had for him and the idea of us kept me in that relationship for several months after the revelation about his addiction, and I eventually realized why Alex had admitted his meth use to me.He thought he could rely on me to be the “strong one” in the relationship, since I was sober, but in actuality, I was just as fragile as he was.