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It took me a few days, but I finally figured out how to completely ruin the event for everyone who sucks, while concurrently making it awesome for me and my friends. They wanted to taunt me until it arrived, knowing the anticipation was slowly killing me.

About two weeks before the grad student campout was to start, I was in the law library, intently focusing on my computer screen when my buddy Hate walked up. ” Tucker “Ordering something online.” Hate “What, a Russian mail-order bride? (That, and none of us ever went to class anyway because law school is ridiculously easy.) Credit “Max, I haven’t seen you this excited since Brad Pitt took his shirt off in gay, I’d still have it better than you.” When the Fed Ex truck finally showed up, I sprinted to the front desk.

Hate was jolted forward in his recliner, white-knuckling the armrests with a look on his face like he’d just seen the devil. ” Tucker [ I turned it down to 2—loud but still a manageable indoor volume—and spoke to everyone exclusively through the bullhorn for the next week.Let’s get right to the most important issue on your mind: How can YOU get season tickets to this year’s men’s basketball games in Cameron Indoor Stadium?Eligibility to purchase tickets is determined via the Graduate and Professional Student Council Basketball Ticket Campout.It was as if one internet purchase had suddenly made all things right in the world. Maybe this be the premier social event of the year.Campout started on Friday at 7pm, but me, Sling Blade, Credit, Hate, Jojo, and Golden Boy got there about 5pm, so we could park our RV in a prime spot. Anything that will get that fucking thing out of your hand.” Golden Boy “Aren’t you just gonna get drunk, yell at people, and not worry about consequences? ” Tucker At 7pm they blew the whistles for the first check-in.Not only do they want grad students to spend their limited free time toiling in a parking lot, they are condescending about it. ” Hate [] “Jesus have mercy on our souls.” I paid extra for 2nd day delivery.Either that, or they’re just fucking retarded—do they really think that being stuck in a parking lot with 2,000 nerds is “the premier graduate and professional student social event of the year”? When the day of arrival came, I was so excited I stayed home from class.I think this is because a bullhorn makes you so loud that it puts you on an imaginary stage.Just being the center of attention primes people to think you’re funny—how else does Dane Cook get laughs?In order to solve this problem, the people in charge make grad students camp out in a field to get into the lottery for the chance to get tickets.They expect you to spend a weekend sleeping in dirt and checking in every time they blow their whistles, like a fucking homeless kindergartener. This is taken directly from the Duke grad student website: “Welcome to Duke!


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